It’s Messy.

This foster care stuff is messy.

Messy in ways I never imagined.

I am so very passionate about foster care.

But am I all in?

When court rolls around, I always send out texts to my small circle, asking for prayers.

I never ask for specific prayers, I just ask for prayers.

But I know what they are praying…

They are praying for me.

Because they love me.

I ask for prayers because I have been too selfish to pray what I need to pray.

I want to pray that I get to be his mommy forever.

That I will always be the one to tuck him in, greet him in the mornings, and love on him, always.

Those are the prayers I want to pray.

How arrogant of me!

To think that my mind can fathom what He has in store for my son.

He loves my son more than I do.

I need to remind myself of this constantly.

I need to be all in.

Superficially, I am.

I preach about openness and having a heart for foster care.

I am always friendly towards bio parents.

I really am.

But, I’m not loving them.

Last night, the Lord broke my heart.

I’m not loving Dad like I should.

I can do better.

I can be better.

I love his son.

But to fully love his son, I must love him.

It’s going to be messy.

I’m going to fail.

But, I’m going to do better.

Lord, today I pray for your hand to touch everyone involved.  To give all the professionals the clarity they need to speak in court.  To give the Judge wisdom.  To give Dad guidance.  To show him your love and grace.  To keep my son safe and loved always. Today I pray for them, I just ask for peace in everything that is to come and everything that is right now.  Amen.