This Is Attachment.

197 days.

That is how many days you have blessed this earth with your presence.

131 days.

That is how many days you have blessed my life with your smile.

2 days.

That is the number of days I have known you might not stay here.

Actually, it has been 131 days that I have known you might not stay with me, but it was made real 2 days ago.

2 days of random crying outbursts.

2 days of holding you extra tight.

2 days of extra cuddles.

2 days of even more pictures than normal.

2 days of letting you sleep on my chest as I soak in all your little features, instead of putting you back in your crib.

2 days of not minding the extra attention you have needed at night since your little sister came home.

2 days.

It has only been 2 days.

This is hard.

Foster care.

I have always known the main goal of foster care is to reunify children with their biological families. A goal I support. Yet a goal I hate.

A goal I hate because that would mean I no longer get to see your smiling face every morning.

I would not get to be the one to comfort you when you are sick.

I would not get to tickle you and make you belly laugh.

I would not get to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and love on you.

I would not get those sweet baby cuddles or see those sleepy smiles.

But this is not about me.

This is about you.

So, for the next unknown number of days, I will continue to cry, to hold you tight, to cuddle you extra, to take tons of pictures, and to love you with all of my being. Because I know, the heartbreak I will feel will be 100% worth the time I have been your mommy and I would do it over and over and over again.